Dat Reality

"What is real? How do you define real? If you're talking about what you can hear, what you can smell, taste and feel, then real is simply electrical signals interpreted by your brain." - Morpheus (The Matrix, 1999)

This sums up my vision of reality. It is subjective. I could get a brain tumor that effects my ability to see or interpret other signals flowing from my brain instantly my reality would be different. I am diagnosed with higher functioning Autism, something that makes me view reality in a somewhat different manner then most people. The various sensory outputs of my brain make up what is real to me. And if its not "real"? Then so be it. I'm prepared to accept alternate realities if they make themselves known to me.

As for fears, I have a few.

I have a fear of failure. This is a far reaching fear that covers many different facets but ultimately boils down to one thing: being trapped here in Indiana.

I have lived elsewhere and have been shown what it is to be successful and comfortable in a place brimming with culture, people in my age group, and in a climate that isn't vitriolic for me at certain times of the year. To be trapped here in Indiana would be a creative and emotional jail sentence for me and it is something I will not abide by.

I have fought the advances of depression and hopelessness during my time here. Ever since I returned to Indiana from Las Vegas, I have not been able to view my former home in the same light as before. I didn't know what it was to have free cash to spend on material things, to be in climate that was warm year round, and to be surrounded by people that shared the same passions I did. Before I only knew of what it was to live a lower middle-class existence in a place where winter was the norm and I was just different. Moving out there for that period of time fundamentally changed me. And I promised myself I would come back to the West Coast.

To fail now and have my dreams of being there once more be distant would be a crushing blow. I honestly do not even think of what I would do if I did fail to move out there. But it is a very real fear and one that could happen. And its why I am working so hard now to make sure that it does not happen.

I have a few ideas on how to visualize this but first I wanted to spit this out on paper so to speak. Its not something I've spoken of much. Stay tuned for more.